Harry Potter and the Daleks
by The Tenth Doctor's Companion
Summary: Harry PotterDoctor Who crossover. Voldemort tries to destroy Harry by using the baddies from the New Doctor Who series but he didn't count on the 9th and 10th Doctors following his enemies through the dimensional rift... Spoilers up to 'School Reunion'
1. Chapter 1: Setting The Scene

Title: Harry Potter & The Daleks

Author: Jade

E-mail: PG-13

Archive: Yes, please

Fandoms: Harry Potter/Doctor Who crossover.

Summary: Voldemort tries to destroy Harry by using the baddies from the New Doctor Who series but he didn't count on the Ninth and Tenth Doctors following his enemies through the dimensional rift...

A/N: Contains spoilers for the first five HP books and all the episodes up to 'School Reunion'.

Second A/N: Pokes fun at the Doctor Who actors and numerous other actors. Not to be taken seriously.

Now on with the story...

It was a normal day for Harry Potter, or so he thought. He was sitting happily, as well as he could, after the events of his fifth year. He sighed, suddenly overwealmed by a sense of sadness. "Why did he have to go?" He looked up to the ceiling. "Why did you have to kill him off? Do you hate him or something?"

The ceiling remained silent. Well, it is a ceiling and JK Rowling was having a cup of tea and some biscuits so she couldn't answer either.

A loud bang interrupted Harry's brooding.

Pavati clutched Harry's arm in a death grip. "It's what-his-face come to destroy us."

Harry extricated his arm from her and steered her hand to clutch onto Seamus' instead. "Somehow I doubt that. I mean Voldy is too chicken to face us himself. Last time I saw him, he pulled up his skirts and ran away..."

Pavati got a strange look on her face. Obviously she was imagining Voldemort wearing a flowery pink dress.

Another loud bang and Harry saw a cloud of smoke appear. "Oh God, that is SO cliche. Can't anyone find a new way to make a dramatic entrance?"

Ron and Hermione ran out of the smoke and Harry leapt back in shock. "Whoa! That's even scarier than Voldy in that dress." He said, hiding behind a sofa that had randomly appeared. Ron and Hermione's hair was sticking up all over the place and their clothes were a little rumpled.

Hermione hit Harry on the arm. "Harry! Honestly, we were just getting to know each other..."

"I guessed that, but what's with all the smoke?"

"That's not us." Ron replied.

A grating noise, coming from the fog, stopped all conversation cold. Harry listened a little closer and he could make out words, which sounded like, "Ex-foli-ate!"

"Exfoliate? What's wrong with my skin? Sure I get a little break out now and again but I'm a teenager." Harry whinged.

"Ex-foli-ate! Ex-foli-ate! Ex-foli-ate!" The sound grew louder. Harry realised that they weren't saying 'Ex-foli-ate!' but "Ex-ter-minate! Ex-ter-minate!"

"Holy crap!" Dean said. "It's the Daleks."

A dark shape slid out of the fog. It was shaped like a giant pepperpot, with a toilet plunger sticking out. "Ex-ter-minate! Ex-ter-minate! Ex-ter-minate!"

Harry looked at them and coughed. "Rip off!"

Ron looked petrified. "Harry, what do we do?"

"It's simple, we get Billie Piper to touch it up and then all it can sing is 'Because We Want To' or something."

"What?" Ron asked.

"Honestly Ron, haven't you seen the new series of 'Doctor Who'? Oh that's right, you're a pure blood. You miss out on Christopher Eccleston..." Hermione sighed. "He's so good looking."

"Or there's Billie Piper, She's nice." Harry said. "Her and the Doctor should be shagging eight ways to Tuesday right now."

"You forgot the introduction of Jack Harkness as played by John Barrowman. he's very flexible. And good looking to boot." Hermione replied with a grin.

"Alright. So they should all shag each other but that doesn't help us right now, does it? Not with the space dustbin here." Harry replied, indicating the dalek. "Can't Voldy think of any orignial ideas. You know, so he doesn't have to rip off from 'Doctor Who'?"

"I guess not." Hermione mutttered.

A loud whooshing sound interrupted their thoughts. Ron joined Harry behind the sofa. "What is it?"

"Oh it's only the TARDIS, that's all. Christopher Eccleston and his giant ears have come to save the day." Hermione cheered.

TBC 


	2. Chapter 2: The Ezboard Hacker Must Die

"What's a TARDIS?" Ron asked, as a blue box appeared. "AND why are we hiding behind the sofa anyway?" Ron asked, eying up the dalek as it goes around exterminating random students. "Oh! Bad luck, Pansy. I guess she won't be appearing again next year."

"TARDIS stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space, although I think it should stand for 'Try Another Route, Dustbin Is Safer' or Trouble And Rose, Damn It's Scary'." Hermione replied, as the door in the TARDIS opened.. "Watch out for the Doctor because he's a pyromaniac and he likes to blow things up."

"It's Doctor Who. You're meant to hide behind there." Harry replied. He stood up, then ducked back down as the dalek shot a sizzling beam over his head. "Hey! Do you mind?" Harry yelled, as he felt his hair. "It sizzled my hair." Harry stood up and shook a fist at it. "Oi! Do you know how long it took me to get my hair looking like this? Why don't you go and exterminate Umbridge or Bellatrix?"

"Now now," a northern accent cut in from behind Harry, "you don't want to give it any ideas now, do you?"

Harry jumped and turned around and saw a tall dark haired man with piercing blue eyes looking at him intently and gulped. "Uh no, Doctor, Christopher, sir." he muttered, looking ashamed. "But Umbitch… and Bellatrix both deserve to be exterminated."

"Yes, well. They did make your life miserable last year." The man, who could be known as Doctor, Christopher, or even sir, grinned at him. **_T_**rouble-On-Legs (A/N: Thanks to TaiGreywing for that name) would've been a more apt name for him or even Mr-Sonic-Screwdriver but we'll call him the Doctor for the moment. "Well, they both would've deserved it."

"Your ears aren't THAT big." Ron pointed out, causing the Doctor to look at him. "Well, they way Hermione was describing them, I half-expected 'em to be way out here." Ron said, stretching his arms out as far as they can go. The Doctor turned and scowled at Hermione.

"Um, aren't you supposed to be getting rid of that thing?" Ginny asked, making everyone jump.

"Ginny, where did you come from?" Harry asked, keeping one eye on the dalek, just in case it decides to morph into a shipper!dalek and pair him off with Cho or even Ron.

"I've been here all the time." Ginny replied, looking over Hermione's shoulder as she pulled out her laptop computer and started surfing the net.

The Doctor clicked his fingers. "I knew I forgot something. Oi, Rose, Jack come out here." He poked his head in the TARDIS. "And put some clothes on, for God's sake."

Harry tried to look over his shoulder but the Doctor stopped him. "Aw, let me see."

"Nope, sorry, no can do!" the Doctor said, with a grin.

Five minutes later; A pretty blond haired girl wearing a bright pink top and jeans came out of the TARDIS, followed closely by a handsome man, wearing a skin-tight t-shirt and very tight trousers. "Where are we?" She asked, ignoring Hermione as she drooled over him.

"Yeah, this isn't Raxacoricofallapatorius. (A/N: Blimey what a tongue twister!)." The handsome man said. "I thought we were going to swing by the planet and give Margeret to a new home."

"Jack, be serious." the girl scolded. She noticed the dalek. "Oh my gosh! Is that a dalek?" Then she noticed Harry. "Hi, I'm Rose." she said, stating the obvious. She indicated the handsome man we came out with. "And this is Jack."

"I'm Harry. We've tried everything to get rid of it."

Hermione looked up from her laptop. "Aw damn, Ezboard is still down." Hermione whinged. "Now I'm never going to find out what happens next... That hacker deserves to die!"

"It kinda makes you wonder what that dalek picked up when it absorbed the internet." Rose pondered. "It probably got mostly info on porno sites and tons of Harry Potter fanfiction."

The Doctor, ignoring the dalek that was going around exterminating 'unimportantant' characters, patted her on the shoulders. "Never mind. Oi you. DALEK, get your metalic butt over here."

The dalek glided over. "Ex-ter-min-ate!"

"Yeah, whatever. listen you want to exterminate, right? Go to this address and exterminate whoever answers the door, ok? Then you can come back and exterminate us." The Doctor said, sticking a post-it on the dalek's eye piece.

The dalek glided off, almost skipping in it's joy of getting to exterminate something with the Doctor's permission. "Ex-ter-min-ate!" It said happily.


	3. Chapter 3: The Bimbo and a Random Cat

Responses to reviews:

Tai Greywing, thanks for your review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. More Doctor skincare coming up! OOOOOH sugar, thanks! I'll have to sprinkle that on my cornflakes….

kayleigh Bolton: Thank you for your review. I'm glad you think it's hilarious.

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OK, beware for more randomness coz here's the next chapter!

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Harry turned to the Doctor and raised his eyebrows. "And you know address of said hacker, how?"

"I don't. In case you didn't notice, that was a blank post-it. I had to get the Dalek away for a little while so I could plot a way to get rid of it," the Doctor replied with his ever-ready grin.

"Oh, and how are you going to get rid of it?" Harry asked.

"Dunno yet," the Doctor replied, causing Harry to roll his eyes.

Jack, the aformentioned handsome man, was chatting and flirting with Remus, who had appeared out of nowhere. Jack touched Remus' arm and whispered in his ear. Remus shook him off, declaring, "I'm not that kind of guy," causing Jack's face to fall.

Jack grinned. "Well, you're a challenge, aren't you?"

Remus opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by the Dalek's dramatic entrance back into the Great Hall. The Dalek had only moved about five feet into the hall, when a hissing black cat fell out of a random light fitting and landed squarely onto the Dalek. The Dalek squeaked and tried to hide under a table but succeeded in putting a big dent in the side of its armor. It scooted out and moved it's eyepiece to look at the Doctor. "Doc-tor, you will be ex-ter-min-ated."

"Go ahead, you big rusty dustbin!" the Doctor retorted, spreading his arms out wide, so the Dalek couldn't miss him.

"Um, Doctor, are you sure that's a good idea?" Ron asked. "Once it exterminates you, then you're dead."

"Honestly Ron, don't you watch Doctor Who? If the Doctor gets exterminated, he will only regenerate into David Tennant. You see the Doctor doesn't actually die," Hermione explained, as the Dalek broke out into a chorus of 'Row Row Row, your boat,' with its own lyrics, causing the Doctor to raise his eyebrows.

"Oh, right," Ron said. He seemed to be looking at something in the doorway. "Who is that?"

Hermione turned her head and saw who Ron was looking at. "Oh that! That's just some random bimbo, who's IQ is lower than her shoe size."

The random bimbo (insert name here) sauntered over to the Dalek and touched it on its head. "Oh, what an adorable little pepperpot!" she squealed in a high pitched voice causing everyone within earshot to wince and cover their ears.

The Dalek, who's eyepiece was pointed up in the air, said, "Oooh, lint!" An IQ counter appeared over the Dalek's head and rapidly ticked down the numbers with music reminisant of 'Countdown' playing in the background. "Ex-ter-min- No! You must ex-foli-ate!" it said, pointing its eyepiece at the Doctor again. "Tell me Doctor, do you exfoliate?"

"Well, yeah, I also moisterize," the Doctor replied.

"I knew it!" Rose squealed. "I knew it! So that's why you spend ages in the bathroom on the TARDIS."

"Good, Doctor!" the Dalek said, moving towards Harry. It stopped, confused. "Why do I care about skincare or lint?" it asked.

"Because you're my best friend!" squealed the bimbo.

"I knew it!" Hermione yelled suddenly. "The Dalek has absorbed random bimbo's DNA so its IQ dropped into single figures. You poor poor Dalek!"

"Don't go there, girlfriend!" the Dalek exclaimed, wobbling its top bit and holding up its sucker to the Doctor. "You ain't all that and a bag of chips!"

"Ooookaaaay!" Harry muttered. "Does anyone else think that this Dalek has been watching too much Jerry Springer?"

TBC


	4. Chapter 4: The Tenth Doctor's Entrance

Sorry it took so long. Here is a guest appearance from the tenth Doctor. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!

* * *

A loud whooshing interrupted the Dalek's Jerry Springer moment. The Dalek squeaked again and tried to dash under the table again, but only succeeded in putting another dent in it's armour. 

Ron looked stunned and jumped behind the sofa, that the Dalek had set fire to earlier. "What the bloody hell is that?"

Another blue box appeared next to the other one, well, it didn't as much appear as crash into it, putting a huge scratch on the side of the TARDIS, that was just standing there. "Oh, it's just another TARDIS," Harry said calmly, still keeping an eye on the Dalek. He was still worried it would turn into a shipper!Dalek and start pairing him off with random people. The new TARDIS landed on Cho's foot, causing her eyes to tear up.

"Well, I can see that," the Doctor replied sardonically. "The question remains on who was driving." he walked over to the newly landed TARDIS and banged on the door. "Oi! I demand to see your driving license."

The door flew open and a tall man, with dark hair and big brown eyes peeked out with his mouth open, not seeing the Doctor standing there glaring at him. "Here we are. London, England. Earth the Solar System. I did it." He got a better look at his surroundings. "Hold on, this isn't London," he said, speaking with a distinctive London accent. He finally saw the Doctor standing there glaring at him. "Hello, I'm the Doctor. Well, actually, I'm the tenth Doctor. How are you doing?"

"Oh my gosh!" Hermione squealed. "It's David Tennant! In the flesh!"

"Who the Hell is David Tennant?" Ron asked, looking bemused.

"He's the lead actor in the BBC programme 'Casanova'. He was also in 'Blackpool' where he did pornographic things to an ice cream," Hermione replied, blushing slightly.

"Smaller ears," the Doctor that was there first, observed, as the new Doctor stepped outside the TARDIS, wearing his brown pinstriped suit and off-white trainers.

Harry pointed a finger at the new Doctor. "Barty Crouch Junior!"

The new Doctor sighed and pointed back at Harry. "No, I'm the Tenth Doctor. This bloke here," he added, pointing at the other Doctor, "is the Ninth Doctor. He's the one before me." He randomly pointed at various people, not to leave them out.

The Dalek walked over to the Tenth Doctor. "Do you ex-foli-ate?"

"Every day," the tenth Doctor replied. "I've got to keep my boyish looks somehow."

"Never mind that! You scratched the paint on my TARDIS!" the Ninth Doctor exclaimed. "Are you drunk?"

"Can you remove this box from my foot?" Cho asked, close to tears.

"No," the Tenth Doctor replied, answering both questions at the same time. "I may be you, but I'm not a stonking drunk like you seem to think I am. In fact, I have a gob, I'm not ginger and I seem to be rude. And I have a fondness for the Lion King. Oh and I love punk rock."

"O-kay," the ninth Doctor muttered. "So what caused me to become a pretty boy? Oh wait! Don't tell me. If I died falling over in the control room, I'll be very embarrassed."

"If I might interrupt," the Dalek said, making both Doctors jump.

"Oh, I forgot you were there," the ninth Doctor said.

"Ah, yes, sorry big fella," the Tenth Doctor exclaimed, turning to face the dalek.

"You will be ex-ter-min-ated," the Dalek said, before abruptly spinning around and shooting its gun at a rat that had scurried across the Hall. "Oooh, must hunt the rat. I'll be back!"

"Yeah, go get the rat!" Harry cheered, as the Dalek zoomed after the rat, shooting at the rat as it followed. "The rat must die!"

"Catch the Ratty, catch the ratty!" the Ninth and Tenth Doctors sang.

"Well, we know what we happens in the sixth HP book," the Tenth Doctor muttered.

"Shhh," the ninth Doctor warned his future self, "You know how Harry feels about spoilers."

"But not even the one about...?" the Tenth Doctor asked.

"Especially NOT that one," the ninth Doctor answered. "If you're going to discuss spoilers, please put behind an LJ Cut."


	5. Chapter 5: The Caps Lock Key Of Doom

A/N: Thanks to Everyone who reviewed. Here's another insane chapter! The Slutboi Alien Tease (the tenth Doctor's full title) is shamelessly stolen from the girls on the LJ community Time and Chips! Enjoy!

"But," the Tenth Doctor began, stamping his foot like a very spoilt child, "I want to go lick things now," he said, changing his mind on what he was going to say before leaning forward and giving his ninth incarnation a lick on the cheek. "Mm, you had chips for lunch and a strawberry ice cream... or was it a strawberry milkshake?" he pondered, walking over to the doorframe and licking it too. "Mmm, good solid oak, with a dash of Mr Sheen polish." he pointed to the door. "It's been recently polished, hasn't it?"

"I don't know. I didn't polish it," the ninth Doctor retorted. "I'm not a maid. Do you see me wearing a maid's outfit?"

"Well, no, but there was that one time Rose dressed up as a dinner lady," the Tenth Doctor stated, winking at Rose, who blushed. He looked at Harry. "My God, it's Harry Potter!" he greeted a very embarrassed Harry, grabbing him around the waist and spinning him around before giving him a lick on the nose.

When the tenth Doctor let go of a very flustered Harry, Harry rubbed his nose. "Eww, you licked me! Do you go around licking every strange person that you meet?"

"Only people that are so tragic and are ruffleable," the Tenth Doctor replied, ruffling his own hair to get the windswept look. "This body has a strange urge to lick everything in sight."

"Oh what? So you're part Andrex puppy now?" Hermione asked, obviously imagining the Tenth Doctor running away with the toilet roll.

"Well, I guess," the Tenth Doctor replied, scratching his ear and bouncing on the spot.

"Anyone got a tranquilliser gun?" the ninth Doctor asked, hoping to calm his tenth self down before he decided to lick anything else.

"Whatever for?" Ron questioned, startling everyone. The tenth Doctor bounded over to him and ran his fingers through Ron's hair. "Get off!"

"I want your hair!" the tenth Doctor stated. "If I don't get what I want I WILL START SPEAKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS!"

Hermione groaned. "Not another person who likes the Caps Lock of Doom," she muttered. "Harry was bad enough!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HERMIONE!" Harry yelled. "IF YOU KNEW WHAT I'D BEEN THROUGH, YOU WOULD SPEAK IN CAPITAL LETTERS TOO."

"YEAH! AND WHEN I START SPEAKING LIKE THIS, MY ENEMIES GET SCARED AND RUN AWAY!" the tenth Doctor shouted, causing the Dalek, that had just entered the Great Hall, to squeak in fright and run Cho over in it's panic to get away from the Caps Lock loving fiends, otherwise known as Harry Potter and the tenth Doctor.

"Quick! Someone press the Caps Lock key again," Dean said, when Harry and the Tenth Doctor were quiet for a moment. Seamus did as asked and everyone, including the Dalek, breathed a sigh of relief.

"Oi Pretty boy!" the ninth Doctor said. "Scaring Daleks is fun, don't you think?" he asked, looking at the Dalek that was quivering in fear. "Scaring Daleks to run over unimportant characters in the Harry Potter books is even more fun." he said, looking at Cho, who had, what looked like, the hovering Dalek version of a tire mark across her face.

Cho teared up. "I am important. My purpose is to look pretty and let all the boys drool over me. I'm the prettiest of them all."

"Oh, hell no!" the Tenth Doctor interrupted, pointing to himself. "I'm am the prettiest here now. Everyone, feel free to drool over me! But not too much, I don't want to drown in drool."

"You really are a Slutboi Alien Tease, aren't you?" Ginny asked, eyeing the tenth Doctor up, and looked like her head was going to explode.

Rose pushed Ginny out the way. "Oh no you don't! He is MY Doctor!"

Both the ninth and tenth Doctor found themselves wishing for a mudwrestling pit for Rose and Ginny to do battle in. They caught each other's eyes and grinned at each other.They also found themselves wishing for a computer connected to the internet so they could type up their own fanfics.

"This is better than watching Eastenders any day," the tenth Doctor commented, watching the two girls rolling on the floor. "Now where's a computer when you need one?"


	6. Chapter 6: The Great Porn Fic Hunt

Hee! I'm back again! Sorry it took so long. As before the Doctor's full name belongs to the girls on the Time and Chips community on LJ. LOL, also the 'Doctor Who Porn Comm of Ill Repute' is the Community 'Time and Chips'. The Community dw-slash actually does exist and I do have a few fics on there. blush A few fics get referenced here. The Harry/Giant Squid fic (which doesn't exist as far as I know) and the bit where Draco runs off to join the cast of Rocky Horror were inspired by a thread in the Three Broomsticks on the MM. 

Hermione reached over and handed the Tenth Doctor her laptop. She gave it to him instead of the ninth purely because the tenth was nearer her. Ten laughed evilly and opened the laptop and turned it on and started surfing the internet. "Hmm, smut! smut! SMUT! Where are you, oh Great Smut? Harry Potter and the Giant Squid? Ew! can that work? I mean, all those tentacles... Well, I'll try anything once..." He clicked another link. "Hmm, this looks interesting..."

Nine looked over Ten's shoulder and got engrossed in a fic titled 'Death Eaters' Meeting' by Ajay. "Hmm, well, you know, Malfoy senior does have that pimpstick. I bet he takes it everywhere with him." He looked around for Malfoy Junior. "Hey! Where is our lovely Bouncing Ferret anyway?"

"Didn't you hear?" Harry asked. "He ran off to join the cast of the Rocky Horror Show. Last I heard, he had a bright pink feather boa."

"Hmm, sounds like a fic," Jack mused, coming up for air after a long snogging session with some random person. "Now where did that Dalek go?"

"Barty Junior made the Dalek cry and run away," Ron replied, pointing at the Tenth Doctor.

"I AM NOT BARTY CROUCH JUNIOR!" the tenth Doctor yelled making everyone jump. Nine knocked over a glass of pumpkin juice and winced. "I AM THE TENTH DOCTOR AND NO POWER ON THIS EARTH CAN STOP ME FROM SPEAKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS!"

Nine rubbed his ears and stuck a finger inside his ear to get rid of the ringing a la the Metatron in Dogma. "Ow! Somebody hit the Caps Lock key again before Harry decides to get Capital Letters as well. Or a mute button."

Hermione leaned over and pressed the Caps Lock key. "Now," she said, pointing her wand at the tenth Doctor, "if you go anywhere over normal speaking tone, I will neuter you like a common garden cat."

"Meep!" the Tenth Doctor squeaked. "And I thought being possessed by Cassandra, who was once a man was bad enough."

"You were a woman?" Ginny asked, looking up from her wrestling with Rose, on who was going to get the next helping of the Tenth Doctor. She looked down at Rose.

"Yes, I was a lady," Ten answered sulkily in the tone of one of the 'laydees' off Little Britain. "And girls, there is no need to fight over me. As I said before, I'll try anything once... Well, except Cho..."

"Look, can't we share? I mean, he is a Hubristic Ominsexual Half-Human Two-Hearted Long-Sighted Tree-Fancying World-Killing Slutboi Alien Tease." Ginny asked Rose, who was lying on top of her. "And you know there is a website out there devoted to the Tennant crotch..."

The ninth Doctor didn't say anything because he had accidentally stumbled onto the the 'Doctor Who Porn Comm of Ill Repute' and was busy devouring all the fics there. "Mmm, kinky," he muttered, drawing Ten's attention back to the screen.

Quite a few students, including both Roses (The Tenth Doctor's Rose had just appeared from out of nowhere, looking ruffled. Nine's Rose will be now referred to as Rose1 and Ten's Rose will be known as Rose2), gathered around the screen, reading the fic that the two Doctors were reading.

Harry pointed to the screen. "Can that be done?"

"Course it can." Rose1 replied, with a cheeky grin. "Um, I mean, from what I gathered from reading..."

"You do know there is a Dalek on the loose, don't you?" Hermione asked Rose2.

"Yeah, I sang a song and the Dalek ran away, vowing never to return..." Rose2 replied, with an identical smirk to her past self.

"Which song?" Dean questioned, looking almost afraid of the answer.

"The Cheeky Song by the Cheeky Girls," Rose2 answered.

Everyone else shared a collective shudder. "Ew! I almost feel sorry for the Dalek," Seamus stated.

"What's this?" Nine asked as he clicked on a link called dw-slash.

"Dunno, but it can't be any worse than reading that me/Giant Squid fic," Harry replied as he watched Ten scroll down and click on a interesting link.

Ten stared at the screen and his eyes bugged out even more. "Wow! Look at all those details."

"Well, you did have to click on a NC-17 rated story, didn't you?" Nine said, leaning forward until his nose almost touched the screen.

Harry, proving to be a little bit of a pervert like his dad, grabbed Nine's shoulders and pulled him back so he could look at the screen. "Wow! Porn!"

"Ha!" Ten exclaimed. "How do I become a member?"

The author appears and draws a bright yellow arrow pointing to the 'join community' link then departs, after flicking the tenth Doctor on the forehead. Ten does as suggested and leans back and sulks.

Nine stumbles onto another fic the author, aka me, has written and is currently unfinished. "Yay! Foursome! Damn, just when it was getting good, the author stopped writing there. Even though I'm not in it..."

"Maybe we should poke her to write another chapter," Ginny suggested, fanning herself. "She can't leave it there. I mean, half of the foursome is still dressed and the other half... well, damn! I need a cold shower now."

Hermione conjures up a big stick and pokes the author, who is busy sipping a cup of coffee, to write another chapter. The author grumbles and puts down her cup. "I know, I know. I'll get right on it!"

"What are you complaining about? You were in that other fic she wrote AND you ended up with Rose so stop complaining!" Ten asked Nine. He pointed to where the author was. "And you better write another chapter because I want to find out what I did next."

"Yes, well," Nine muttered, looking up as the Dalek glided back in wearing a pair of bright pink earmuffs. "What the hell?"

"Doctor, you will be exfoliated and your songs won't help you right now." the Dalek said as the room darkened and the only light was a spotlight centered on the Dalek.

A dark shape looms up behind the Dalek. "Want a bet?" a mysterious and slightly Scottish male voice said as it took the earmuffs off the Dalek. Underneath were a pair of bright orange earmuffs. "Gah!"

"Ha ha, hee hee, you can't stop me!" the Dalek said, with a snicker, as it ran Cho and Marietta over just for the hell of it. "That was for the entire fifth book!" the Dalek screamed as it reversed over them again. The spotlight following the Dalek where ever it went.

Harry turned to the mysterious voice. "So who are you?"


	7. Chapter 7: Barty and The Musical Number

OK, there is a bit of singing in this chapter! The 'Kill Lynda' holodeck programme belongs to Flightie. The re-written lyrics belong to me and are done to the tune of 'I've Got A Theory' which belong to Josh Weadon. Flying Beastie belongs to Padma's Sister. Oh and the fic mentioned about Barty and Ten in the DADA office does exist and it was written by me. hehe.

The voice stepped forward and revealed a dark haired man wearing a Zorro mask. "I'm your worst nightmare." he said, addressing Harry in a sort of Rambo-type voice.

"No, my worst nightmare would be Voldemort in a salmon pink dress," Harry retorted.

"Alright, second worst nightmare." the man said, sounding slightly hurt. "Ewww! The images!"

Ten rolled his eyes. "Barty! What have I said about invading my wardrobe? What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were due to arrive a little later."

The man, Barty, took off the mask and draped it over the Dalek's eyepiece, along with a long black cape of his. The Dalek scooted off, banging into things as it went out. "Well, the author missed me, so she wrote me in earlier." he pointed to where the author is sitting.

Nine looked up as another Dalek flew in. "Ah, hello Flying Beastie! You're in the wrong parody," he said, giving the Dalek, named Flying Beastie, a pat on the head. Flying Beastie waved it's gun at everyone and buzzed off back to Padma's Sister and Joshwales' fic.

"What now?" Harry asked the ceiling. The Author doesn't answer as she has gone for another cup of coffee. "Oh, she's gone. What shall we do until she gets back?"

"I vote one of us starts the writing of some glorious fanfic so we can post it on the net," Harry says, looking hopeful.

"Good idea. It has to be the oldest of us because of the experience and..." Nine began.

"Then it's me!" Ten said gleefully. He opened up Word and started typing... 'Harry Potter was a very tribbled young man...' he typed, causing lots of tribbles to suddenly appear, bury Harry up to his shoulders a 'la Captain Kirk and start purring loudly.

"TEN!" Harry yelled, dislodging a few of the tribbles. He threw a tribble and bounced it off the back of Ten's head. "Delete these damn tribbles!"

"Huh?" Ten asked, turning around. "Oops, sorry Harry," he apologised, pressing the delete key. The tribbles disappeared to the relief of Harry. "Right, where was I?"

"Just get on with it!" Nine growled.

"I've got a theory

That it's a Time Lord

A crazy Time Lord!

No, something isn't right there." Remus sang suddenly, making them all jump and earning a glare from Nine and Ten.

"What the hell?" Barty asked, sitting next to Hermione.

"I've got a theory

Voldy is dreaming

and we're all stuck inside his wacky twisted nightmare," Nine sang, still glaring at Remus.

"I think they've been watching too much Buffy," Hermione muttered.

"I've got a theory

We should work this out," Harry added his voice to the singing.

"It's getting eerie

What's this cheery singing all about?" Rose, Remus, Nine, and Harry sang all together.

"It's a parody and the author likes to make us sing," Ten replied, with a cheery smile.

"It could be Barty!

The evil Barty!

Which is ridiculous 'cause Barty he was soul-sucked and restored, good and love everything and PM power and I'll be over here." Harry sang, scooting as far away from Barty as he could.

"Wait until I get my hands on you Potter!" Barty exclaimed, dangerously going near the caps lock key.

"I've got a theory!

It could be Lynda," both Roses sang, to the sound of silence... A Cricket chirps.

"Who the hell is Lynda?" Hermione asked, looking bemused.

"I've got a..." Barty sang shyly.

The music suddenly changed to a heavy metal style.

"Lynda isn't just cute like everybody would suppose!

She's got them gangly legs and cute little nose!

and what's with all the bunches?

Why does she need her hair up like that anyway?

Lynda!

Lynda!

It must be Lynda!" Both Roses belted out. An explosion of fireworks accompanied their last verse. "Or maybe Daleks." They sang, to the original tune.

"I've got a theory we should work this fast..." Nine sang.

"Because it clearly could get serious before it's passed." Nine and Remus both sang looking confused.

"I've got a theory…" Barty sang shyly

"It doesn't matter...

What can't we face if we're together?

What's in this place that we can't weather?

Life or Death?

We've all been there

The same old trips

Why should we care?" Ten sang, startling them all.

"What can't we do if we get in it?

We'll work it through within a minute

We have to try

We'll pay the price

It's do or die," Ten, Rose, Remus, Barty, Nine, and Harry sang together.

"I've died nine times." Ten pointed out.

"What can't we face if we're together?" Ten, Rose, Barty, Nine, and Harry sang.

"What can't we face?" Remus sang, echoing the other's singing.

"What's in this place we can't weather?" Ten, Rose, Barty, Nine, and Harry sang.

"If we're together…" Remus sang, still echoing.

"There's nothing we can't face…" Ten, Rose, Barty, Nine, and Harry sang.

"Except for Lynda." Rose sang, as the song ended. She lowered her voice. "Now I need to go to the holodeck for another round of 'Kill Lynda'." She laughs evilly.

"We have a holodeck?" Nine asked, looking confused.

"We do now," Ten added. "Thanks to Flightie and that RPG game she was doing." He grinned suddenly.

"But who is Lynda?" Ron asked. "I'm not up with the fandom as everyone else is."

"She thought she could get her claws into my man," Rose2 stated. "The Daleks did me a favour exterminating her."

"You slipped them a tenner, didn't you?" Hermione questioned.

Rose2 looked shocked. "How can you suggest such a thing? I slipped them a twenty."

"Oh well, that's alright then." Hermione replied, looking relieved.

"Oi, what's with all this Lynda hate?" Nine asked. "She was a very sweet girl…"

"Wait! Hold on… Flightie started that RPG?" Harry questioned. "So who was the person who wrote the scene with Ten and Barty in the DADA office?"

Barty points up. "Shh, the author doesn't want it spread around that she also writes X-Rated stuff…" he whispered. "Stuff that is too smutty to go onto a certain fanfiction website that must not be named."


	8. Chapter 8: The Dalek and a Treadmill

OK, the Dalek drinking the Coke was inspired by Nicholas Briggs (the voice of the Daleks and the Cybermen) when I met him at a book signing in London. Marta is my mum and she did tell one of the Who writers that I'd scare a Dalek. Barty on a treadmill came from David Tennant's appearance on 'The Ultimate West Wing Challenge'. Also there are hideous misquotes of lines from 'The Wizard of Oz' (or 'Good Morning Vietnam' however you want to look at it.) and 'The Lumberjack Song'. Has a slight spoiler for 'Rise of the Cybermen' and a reference to the 'Man pants incident'. Enjoy! 

"X-rated?" the Tenth Doctor replied, raising an eyebrow. "Do you have the web address?"

"It's on LiveJournal. You can't miss it." Harry replied, grinning at the Doctors, as he drank some extremely fizzy drink, which was like the wizard version of coke.

The Dalek zoomed over and stuck it's plunger in the glass that Harry was drinking out of. "Mmm," it said, as it sucked up every last drop of the drink. It turned and pointed it's gun at the ninth Doctor. "Doctor, you will be ex-ter-min-BURP!" it suddenly let out an earth shaking burp, startling everyone, including itself. It suddenly scooted out the door again, burping all the way.

"Okay, so Daleks have to avoid fizzy drinks at all costs," Barty commented, playing with a twelve inch Tenth Doctor doll. "Hey, did you know, you can take off his clothing?" he asked, putting the doll in all these random positions.

The tenth Doctor found himself also bending to those same positions, including one where his leg ended up behind his ear. "Hey! I'm the Doctor, not a pretzel." he commented, finding himself sitting in the Lotus Position.

"Oooh, bendy!" Both Roses commented together. They shared a look, which said they were both going to get their hands on the Ten Doll and will spend all night playing with it.

"I wonder what the author will have us do next," Ron wondered as he looked to where the author usually sits. "She's gone for yet another coffee."

"A caffinated author is a happy author," Nine said. "Before coffee, she'd scare a Dalek, well, according to Marta."

The Dalek zoomed in. It was elevated and it was happily flitting around the lights, like a giant tin moth, when, suddenly, there was a loud bang, then a put-put sound. The Dalek suddenly dropped from the ceiling onto this giant cushion, that had suddenly appeared, with a loud 'poof' as the cushion burst and there were feathers everywhere like in a Duran Duran music video.

The tenth Doctor wiped the feathers from his face and stared as this little black cat was bouncing around, trying to eat the feathers. "Wasn't that the cushion Seamus blew up in the other fic?"

"Oi!" Seamus said, trying to spit out feathers from his clothes.

The dalek trundled off the exterminated cushion and ended up on a treadmill, in an attempt to kick start it into working again. A loud sound, that reminded Harry of a backfiring car, emanated from the back end of the Dalek.

"You killed Cedric!" Harry wailed, simply because Barty had tried to snag one of his chips. He jumped to his feet and started chasing Barty around the tables. "I'll get you, my pretties, and your little tutu too." he said, briefly channelling the Wicked Witch of the West.

"Nobody takes my tutu!" Barty exclaimed, as he found himself on the treadmill with the Dalek right behind him. The Dalek tried to shoot Barty but all that came out of the gun was a shower of feathers. Barty turned to look at the dalek. "What you going to do? Feather me to death?" he asked, as he stopped running. Unfortunately the treadmill was still moving so Barty flew towards the Dalek, smacked straight into it, and knocked it off the treadmill. "The things I do to keep in shape," Barty muttered, as both he and the Dalek landed on the previously murdered cushion in another poof of feathers. "I think it's dead now."

"What, the Dalek or the cushion?" the Tenth Doctor asked, picking feathers out of his hair. "By the way, did that Dalek think it was a moth or something?"

A puff of smoke and four giant silver tin men marched out. "Delete! Delete!" they chanted.

"Oh, come on, they aren't supposed to appear for another two episodes," Dean groaned, then cursed as he revealed the plotline for a future episode.

"Well, when the episode is named 'Rise of the Cybermen' then, hello, that's a major plot point giveaway anyhow." Barty said, proving that Azkaban must have AOL or something. "Kinda like the episode 'Dalek' in which Rose made the Dalek sing cheesy pop songs" He clambered to his feet and winced because he burnt his hand on the Dalek.

"Delete! Delete!" the Cybermen chanted, just in case anyone forgot they were there.

The tenth Doctor grabbed the laptop and pressed the 'delete' key hurriedly. "I'm trying but the blasted thing isn't working," he said.

Hermione leaned over his shoulder. "Um, you have to switch it on first." she stated, pointing to the power button on the laptop.

"I knew that!" the tenth Doctor exclaimed, pressing the button. "I was just testing you." He waved the magical plot device around and the Cybermen vanished. "That was easy."

"Gotta love those plot devices," Rose said. "Just like that one on New Earth."

"Or the one where your hand grows back," Hermione pointed out.

"Or the…"

"Enough!" the Tenth Doctor exclaimed, slightly below the Caps Lock volume level. He remembered Hermione's threat and he didn't want her to carry it out. "Right. Now what?"

The Dalek righted itself. "Must exterminate things. I have daddy issues," it said, as Barty had touched it earlier. "Ooh, lint!" it added, pointing its eye upwards. "Need to shop."

"Oh God!" the ninth Doctor said, as if he hadn't mysteriously vanished for a little while. "Now the Dalek has 'Daddy Issues' as well as a need to shop and to chase lint… Next thing we'll know, it'll put on women's underwear and hang around in bars…"

"That was not me!" Barty protested. "I wear man pants!"

The Dalek zoomed out of the Great Hall, seemingly to go and do a bit of shoe shopping.


	9. Chapter 9: RPGs, Xmas lights and Tinsel

Sorry it took so long to write but I kinda got distracted. LOL. The RPG 'The Game' does exist and it's on LiveJournal and all the references to the Game and events are what has been happening in the Game.

The tenth Doctor sighed. He had not had a plotline in ages because the author had been distracted by an online RPG known as the Game and had neglected all her characters except for a certain character who she had been playing in the RPG. He switched on the computer and went to the main page of the RPG to see what the characters had been up to since he looked last and to buy time until the author remembers to write the next chapter.

Harry looked over his shoulder. "Hey! How come I'm not in this RPG? I am the title character of the series after all."

Ten and Barty looked at each other and said in unison. "It's because you're not David Tennant or Torchwood related."

"Blythe's in there!" Harry pointed out. "He's not DT or Torchwood."

"So he is," Ten stated. "Well, obviously the players have their daily dose of angst with the tragic relationship of...Ow!" he broke off as Barty poked him in the head.

"That's my emo pain you're mocking there, Doctor," Barty said, poking Ten again, this time in the chest. A certain scene caught Barty's eye and he leaned forward to get a better look. "Aww, look, Doctor, you get in touch with your furry kitty cat side in this bit."

"Better be careful Barty or I'll use you as a scratching post." Ten growled.

"Yeah? Well, according to this, I'm a werewolf/vampire hybrid and I'm more... Hey! I'm not that heavy!" Barty complained, reading a passage where Peter Carlisle complains about Barty being heavier than he looks. "Cheeky sod. It's all muscle, I swear."

Jack came and stood on the other side of Ten and leaned in too. "Ooh, I get a scene there," he glanced at Barty, who looked back at him. "Fancy acting out that scene?"

Barty shrugged. "Sure, why not?"

"Just as long as you don't crush me." Jack stated as they headed out the door, obviously going to do things that should not be mentioned in a PG-13 fanfic.

"OI!" Barty squeaked before the door shut on them.

Ten looked back at the computer screen, joined by Ron and Hermione standing behind him, and his eyes widened. "Wow! I never thought I'd see that kind of scene," he muttered. "Well, there was that one time at the Academy..."

"Is there a plotline or is it just going to be...? Oh, look at that scene," Hermione commented matter of factly, as she pointed to the computer screen. "Isn't that sweet?"

The Dalek glided back in, carrying a Starbuck's mug. "You will be caf-fin-a-ted," it said, pointing the cup in Ten's general direction.

"Okay, who touched the Dalek this time?" Harry questioned, putting his hands on his hips and trying to appear heroic.

"I think that was Barty's fault," Ten answered. "Unless, the author also touched it." he cringed as if expecting a slap from the author. Luckily for him, the Author was busy getting another cup of coffee and Ten breathed a sigh of relief.

"You are so lucky," Rose said as she pointed at Ten.

"You will be caf-fin-a-ted," the Dalek interjected. "No, ex-fol-iat-ed… Oh, whatever, Doctor, your time is ended."

"Well, you better bring it," Ten and Nine both said together.

"Oh, it's already been brought-en," the Dalek retorted, showing that it has been watching 'Not Another Teen Movie' in between invasions.

"Okay, how are we going to get rid of this damn Dalek?" Dean asked the two Doctors.

"We have to wait for the author to decide." Nine answered.

"And while she is off scaring other Daleks with her bad moods, we have to improvise," Ron finished.

"I have an idea," Ten exclaimed, as the scene faded out.

The scene faded back in to reveal the Dalek strung up near the ceiling with Christmas lights and tinsel and Ten was underneath the Dalek trying to urge it to sing carols.

"Doctor, it's May. It's either too late or too early for this," Hermione pointed out.

"How about a nice round of 'Deck the Halls'?" Ten questioned, ignoring Hermione for the time being. He opened his mouth and started singing.

"You will be ex-ter-min-ated!" the Dalek stated, actually in tune to the Christmas carol.

Barty wandered back in, arm in arm with Jack and they were deep in discussion. "No way!"

"Way!" Jack said, as if that explained it all. "And then…" he trailed off as he took in the swinging Dalek. "Duuuude."

"Oh God, we've not accidentally walked into a dream sequence, have we?" Barty asked, raising his eyebrows.

"I don't think so…" Jack replied. "Everyone is still dressed."

TBC


End file.
